heartbeat

i feel oooohhhh soooooo fucking ugh right now.if you dont know wat ugh meansUGH FCKING MEANS SAD DEPRESSED MAD PISSED OFF CONFUSED SAD AND PISSED OFF AGAIN TO ADD MORE EMPHACISE IS IT!fucking a ive been through so much shit and its friving me nutts!oki oki oki!lets see well there is this problem with me.and its been goin on for quite a while now.well lets see!there is this guy i hella like!and his initials quite are PJP not naming names!well if you know this is you PJP then i suggest you pay attention reallllly well!and i mean well!cause lately it seems like you never gave a fuck!well likes see okii.hmmm this was several weeks already!okii it was in december!me and this cute ass nice ass kind ass gentlemen ass guy ive ever met right!mannn we jus started talking out of no where!mann hella random!well it was myspace.YEAH IS MYSPACE SO WHAT WANNA TRIP BOUT IT.well yeah myspace!it was a music page like always and shizz!well didnt really know it was jayfabbs bro.and yes im a promoter i do promote undergorund artist!thats my job and i like it!well so yeah technically met this guy from my slow partner jay:] well i was suprised cause at first it was just random and the add was kinda gay!so like nice am i to drop by a comment and thank the person for looking out for the add.so yeah we commented eachother like none stop!and when every comment came i was like happy!gettting this kilig feeling inside[butterflies] yess sir butterflies!and ive never felt butterflies in quite a while!well that day i called him on exact evening of christmas ever cause i promised i would to greet him a great christmas!like so he was with his familyyess people he is a family guy and that what i like!and so yeah i called him up and he was so suprised cause he thought i wouldnt actually call!buht you know what i did!after that of course it was the day of christmas and well i was on the computer again just talking to him about how cool it is that hes a underground artist and how im a promoter and how that he looks flip buht he aint and how i look chinky buht i aint viet!lol.buht yeah!we was hella random just getting to know eachother and started talking like that!usually its not like that for me buht he made that difference.well that day i was going to sacramento!i told him why dont he just text me!so i went off and he texted me by his aim.and i was like HII CUTEWEIRDO!and he always called me a dork so i was the cutedork!then liek on the ride to sac mann i barely slept cause this dude nonstop texts me!and stuff and i was really happy and really smileing!i would have the phone to my chest to feel the vibration when the text would come.then well we talked about webcamming and guess what we did that exact same day.her always looking good and fine and i actually thought to myself wow what a great guy im digging him.so yeah we would cam and cam till the day to leave sacramento.i told my bro mannnn im not gonna see my bestbeezy maye and HIM not until a while :[ well my bro was nice enough cause it was break taht i could cam with this fools.so yeah i got home!we camed and cammed till like effin 3-4 in the morning!hella fucking crazy like no effin lie!me and him would cam for hours nonstop especially on the weekends!mannnn i miss those times!then of course when i got off early he would call me.hehehe made my night cause he was te first one i talk to in the mornin and the last one to talk at night!such a sweet thing making sure i would go to sleep.OH I FORGOT one nigh we was talking bout some random shit!hella funny.like how he would get hurt and shit mannnnn i would be crazking up hella softly cause it would be like 2-3 in the morning.mannn then one night he asked!what would you do if i told you i was falling for you!of course my HEARTBEAT went fast and was like oh my goshh!my answer was that it would be cute and all i gotta say is that im falling for you too!then he was like oh and i could tell he was like smiling and shizz cause he was like "OH" lmao. geeze.well yeah we would keep talking n talking n talking!and webcam and webcam and webcam!shooooott i feel for this guy hella quick!i was even excited to tell my girls that oh my gosh i found the right guy!and even my girls approved of him cause he treated me right and he was always there to talk to!at the momment hes a kuya to my girls!mannn fuhreal!man we been through so much shi!buht man we worked it outwhen he wouldnt smile i was able to make him smile either way!and mann no lie his smile is the cutest thing ive seen!no lie!i miss his smilez his laugh his voice and his appearence no lie.im able to be open to him like no lie!we would be on the smae page where we would even be able to do the same shit at the sme time even think the same and act the same!same everything.we had a lot in common!i know we both fatasses!hes my fatass fuhreal!hes my mega peter when i go to sleep!AND YES PJP I STILL KISS AND STILL HUG AND SLEEP WITH HIM EVERY NIGHT!ill never forget that!mannn i was sooo happy that i met him and im happy GOD gave me that plan to meet him!cause i cant stop thinking talking nor missing him. buht all things come to an end right!well its feb and he starts school!i understand that he needs his time and he needs to focus on fam n school.i told him straight no no matter what goes on im still here for you baby!then he was like i dun want ou to be on teh sidelines tho!and im like i may be on he sidelines buht ill always be here and ill always be here waiting.i even said even tho we barely gonna talk all i gotta hear from him is a ily imy mahal kita or miss kita!and my heart will be lifter again!well mann now at the moment i feel like shit i miss him like no lie!i barely sleep at night!even huggin mega peter cant make me stop crying.fuhreal i was hella depressed when i didnt talk to him!i was depressed when he would always think and doubt himself!and when he did i would also!i brougt myself down!i was so negative buht hidig it from my firends and family was so hard for me to handle!my kuya jap said just drop it its not worth it if he cant talk to you properly!and i was even hardheaded to my own favorite kuya and didnt listen i kep going kept trying kept him in my heart!mann i gone through so much shit PJP you dont even know!the situation with adign the situation with my girls!so mych stress on my hand you werenteven there to help relieve that!all you would say is ohh okay.. yeahh... mhmmm.. mann.mann fuhreal what best can that do to me!it just made me cry and realize i was losing you!I WAS KEEPING YOU IN MY HEART THROUGHOUT ALL THAT!AND EVEN ADINGS AND ATES KNOW HOW I FELT!mann i know you felt it to cause you couldnt even set a conversation without me trying to hide how i feel from you!it was all hard!and now nowin that i cant call you baby knowing that i barely talk to you barely talk to me mann my heart is being torn to pieces.i told the world bout you!and your couldnt give nothing in return.i get a simple do you respect me? then why are you still calling me babe and baby!MANN PJP THAT HURT BAD!knowing i didnt talk to you for effin days weeks thats all that happened!all that work to keep you in my heart tron all thhe way and blown away!HURT HELLA HURT!I CRIED NONSTOP!even kuya jap knows!fuhreal!!i was hardeaded to him and all my return is stop talking to the one i fcuking srpung over:[!and seeing this sarah mannnnnn deep in my heart nothing for me can go right!mann i lost you i lost everyone!i lost me sence of fucking love cause all was reserved for you!mannn even your brother knows how i feel cause i talk to him most of the time then you!IM FUCKING HEARTBROKEN!you couldve just told me so my heartbeat wont beat fast no more and get htis deep feeling for you.hella friked up!mann you lied also saying your busy and shit and you even have time to cam with her frikin till 5 in the morning!FUCKING SEEING HER FACE SEEING THAT THING UNDER THAT JUST FRIKING HURT!cause i did everything to just hold shit together and all i got from you is idk!mannn heartbroken heartbroken forreaeall!EVEN ASK NIE AND CINDY AND THE REST OF THEM BOUT ME!fucking hard for me to keep my head up cause its hard keeping all this feelings!what ever!i stil fucking love you and i still fucking miss you!its fucking hard for me to move on.my HEARTBEAT IS STILL FOR YOU!